Her: How come I don't get flowers?
Me: Last time I got you a flower you squished it.
Her: But it was soft.
Me: The whole flower fell off the stem.
Her: Well, it's my flower! I can do whatever I want with it.
Me: I guess so...
Getting ready to go
Me: Ready to go?
Me: Uh... what?
She tried to kiss me but then she thought of something funny and just blew a bunch of air up my nose.
Getting a smartphone
She finally got her own smartphone. Now when I hear a clunk while driving her I know it’s her phone and not mine.
Today I gave her a flower. She started squishing all the petals because she said they were soft.
Me: Weren't there two bags of chips here?
Her: There might have been.
Today she got her car stuck halfway in the garage and asked me to help park it for her. She says her car feels fatter than usual.
Closing the drawers
Today I noticed that a part of the drapes was tucked away in the dresser drawer.
Me: Why don't you get your own toothpaste?
Her: I forgot where you told me it was!
Visiting a friend
Today she saw a fat bird bouncing around and nicknamed it “heavy bird”. The next week there was a giant bird poo splattered across her car windshield. I asked her if heavy bird visited again.
Her: I forgot my towel and now I'm stuck in the shower!
Eating ice cream
Me: Do you want ice cream?
Me: Okay, I'm going to get ice cream for myself.
Her: Oh, your ice cream has Oreos in it!
Her: I want ice cream now.
Using the sink
After her sink gets too dirty she starts using my sink. I got confused when I saw all these makeup stains everywhere.
Today she asked me if she could eat some Pocky and I said she could. But instead of eating in the kitchen like a normal person she wanted to eat Pocky in bed.
Eating more chips
Today we got a big bag of chips and some small bags of chips. She calls the big bag “The Motherchip” and the small bags are its babies. She ate them all.
Today she was buttoning my shirts for me. The buttons were all off by 1 spot.
Me: Are you done eating?
Me: Then why is your hair in the soup?
Me: (sniff sniff)
Me: WHAT IS THAT SMELL??
Her: Where did my spoon go?
Me: It fell into your soup.
Her: Oh, I thought that was a fat noodle.
Snowshoeing at night
Her: This place looks like the setting for a horror story.
Her: Is that a pool of blood over there?!
Me: No, that's a shadow.
Her: Is that blood over there?!
Me: No, that's a twig.
Her: Is that a pool of blood?!
Me: No, we're back at the parking lot.
Her: I need to change but the bathroom is taken.
Male friend: I'll turn around. Tell me when you are done.
Her: OK! (still putting on clothes)
Her: Almost done!
Her: Ok, done now!
Male friend: Don't say "OK" and then "almost done".
Me: How do you like dancing?
Her: My foot is itchy.
Today I was out eating dinner. Meanwhile, she snuck into my house and stole some chips. I could tell because the bag was ripped open in a weird way.
Me: I like how you open bags in the most destructive way possible. There's no way to put it back together again.
Her: Which bag?
Me: Uh oh. What do you mean which bag? You destroyed more than one?
Today we went to a Thai restaurant for dinner. After a while she stops eating so I ask her if she is full and she says yes. We get back in the car to leave and she immediately starts eating a bag of chips.
Her: Are you going to eat that... breakfast item?
Me: Breakfast item? It's called a danish...
Her: I also got all these cute skirts!
Her: What do you think?
Me: It's upside-down.
Her: I got so many new clothes today!
Her: Let me show you!
(changes into dress)
Her: What do you think?
Me: It's inside-out.
Hanging out with her teacher
Her: Tonight I'm going to have dinner with my pho teacher. The whole class is invited.
Her: I mean Vietnamese teacher. My Vietnamese teacher is taking the class out for pho.
Me: A pho teacher sounds cooler.
Finding new guinea pigs
Her: NEW GUINEA PIGS!!!
Her: Let me show you!
Her: I want to play one more game.
Me: I need to go eat dinner now.
Her: I'm a bad person.
Getting a massage
Her: That hard spot feels like a bone.
Therapist: That's not a bone.
Her: Oh god.
Going to class
Today I dropped into one of her foreign language classes. The teacher introduced me as her husband.
Today we got some free cannoli after dinner. She didn’t know what a cannoli was. She picked one up, sniffed it, licked it all over, made a scrunched face, and then put it on my plate.
Going to the museum
Today we went to the museum. She tried to get a closer look at one of the artifacts but hit her head on the glass.
Finding frosted raisin bread
Today she bought a loaf of frosted raisin bread at the market. She was so excited to eat it that she was hugging the loaf and rubbing it on her face.
Today she was eating noodle soup again. This time, her hair dipped into the soup and painted the soup all over her shirt.
Today we ordered a dessert crepe with berries. I guess she didn’t notice that it came with 2 spoons because she ate the entire thing.
Learning to dance
Today we were learning a dance move where the girl has to raise her hand over her head and place it in the guy’s hand. She tried the move by raising her hand, and placing it in my eye.
Today she bought a bag of chips to eat. She licked all the flavoring off one chip, and then suddenly decided that she felt like sharing so she fed it to me. That chip was soggy…
Today we were having burritos for dinner. I put down my burrito so I could adjust the TV. She also put down her burrito to come over and see what I was doing. After I got the movie playing, I watched as she picked up my burrito and took a huge bite out of it. After chewing for several seconds, she exclaimed, “Wait a minute! This isn’t my burrito.”
Me: What do you want to eat?
Her: I want sweet potato burrito.
Me: That's not Italian...
Today she started eating seaweed while watching a movie. By the time the movie was half over, she was surrounded by 2 empty boxes and mounds of plastic wrappers.
Eating spicy noodle soup
Today she ordered spicy noodle soup for lunch. She wasn’t careful and got spicy soup in her eye. She is now one of the many people afflicted by the serious condition known as “soup eyeball”.
Eating gummy bears
Today she brought back a big bag of German gummy bears to give to me as a gift. I ate a few and left the bag at her house. Later that week, she regretfully informed me that the rest of the bag had been eaten.
Today we went to the supermarket to buy groceries for dinner. She wandered off to the aisle with potato chips and ended up getting a box of ice cream sandwiches.
Beating Diablo 2
Her: Yay! We finally beat Diablo 2!
Her: Now I can uninstall the game.
Her: Your jacket smells good!
Me: I washed it. It's nothing special.
Her: No! It smells different.
Me: I use Tide.
Today she got some new heels and was excited to wear them. Then she got blisters and was unhappy.
Wearing a dress
Today she purposely wore a dress to look cuter. Then she promptly dropped some scalloped potatoes onto it.